No one really prepares you for the quiet ache that comes with becoming a mother. While the world expects you to glow, bond, and bloom, you might find yourself mourning a version of you that no longer exists.
And that’s okay.
It’s okay to miss your freedom, your sleep, your spontaneity, your career, your body—your sense of self. Grief and gratitude often walk hand in hand in the early days of motherhood. You can love your baby and still long for who you were before. One does not cancel the other out.
This Is a Grief That Has No Funeral
When someone dies, we gather. We cry. We make space for the sorrow.
But when a version of you dies—when the woman you were before motherhood slips quietly into memory—there’s no ritual, no ceremony, no language for that loss. Yet the grief is real. And left unspoken, it can feel isolating and confusing.
You are not selfish. You are not broken. You are mourning.
What You Might Be Grieving
1. Freedom & Spontaneity
The ability to leave the house on a whim. To sleep in. To travel light. These little freedoms vanish overnight.
2. Identity & Ambition
You may question your career, your purpose, or whether you’ll ever feel like you again.
3. Friendships & Social Life
Motherhood can be lonely. Old friends may drift, and new friendships take time to form.
4. Your Body & Autonomy
Pregnancy, birth, and postpartum change your relationship with your body—sometimes in tender, difficult ways.
Why Grieving Matters
Unspoken grief can harden into shame. But acknowledged grief can open the door to healing. When you allow yourself to say, “I miss her—who I was,” you’re not betraying your child. You’re honouring the depth of this transformation. You’re giving yourself the space to process the reality of your loss, so that something new—someone new—can rise from it
You Can Hold Two Truths at Once
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You can be grateful and grieving.
You can love your child and miss your independence.
You can be content and curious about who you’re becoming.
This is the complexity of matrescence. And there is no one right way to feel.
Ways to Honour the Grief
- Speak It Aloud: Whether to a partner, friend, journal, or therapist—speak your truth without guilt.
- Celebrate Who You Were: Look at old photos. Write her a letter. Thank her for getting you here.
- Make Space for You: Find small rituals that reconnect you to your soul—whether it’s music, movement, creativity, or stillness.
- Create New Traditions: You’re allowed to reimagine joy in this new season. Let it look different, softer, slower.
Whispers from the Village
“I missed my old life so much I thought something was wrong with me—until I realised grief is just love in another form.”
— Zara, mom of 1
“Becoming a mother broke me open, but I found new pieces of myself in the process.”
— Kat, mom of 2
“Missing her—the woman I used to be—made me more gentle with the woman I’m becoming.”
— Faith, mom of 3
Final Thoughts
If you’re missing your old life, your old body, your old identity—you are not alone. This grief is a sacred part of the journey. It means you’re growing. It means you’re human. It means you loved the woman you were—and that you’re bravely becoming someone new.
Let that grief be a signpost, not a stop sign. Let it remind you that there’s space for all of you here—the past, the present, and the beautiful unknown that’s still unfolding.